I am pregnant with my second baby. The decision to try again happened easily because one of the doctors I met a little after my first one's loss said, "a good time to try again would be 6 months from when you delivered." Hearing those words gave me a tangible date to work with and something to look forward to. I imagined it would be hard to be pregnant again after everything I went through, and sometimes it is, if I think too much about it. If I let myself mull in my fears and the what-ifs, yes, it's terrifying. Baby's been moving a lot these last few weeks and as I lay on my right side this morning his - yes, it's a boy - kicks were quite forceful. It simultaneously filled me with joy and anxiety. Because it's so reminiscent of the first one. It is so terrifying to have everything go so normally, and have a baby who looked so fine and normal not be. Any and every chance I get, I beg God to please, please, please give me a healthy baby. I ask anyone who knows I'm expecting to please pray for me. I'm purposeful about giving my body as much a break as possible and am hyper vigilant about not over-exerting myself or letting myself get too tired. If I wasn't pregnant I would judge myself so harshly and say I am being super lethargic and lazy. I am so scarred from last time is all. I started this new job at a great non-profit that does Islamic education to schools, hospitals, community centers and government agencies but only after a day of being there I caught a cold, and this was a week after recovering from a cold I had just gotten over. A voice inside me screamed, "Don't do it! It's not worth it! Quit now!" And I did. The UCLA masters, go-getter from Pakistan in me from three years ago would have been like, "Seriously, Alina?!" You caught a COLD at work and quit the day after?" It sounds kind of funny thinking of it this way, but I can't take any chances. Selfishly, I missed waking up whenever I wanted, taking naps, and acting on whatever whims I fancy through the day. And for some reason, as much as I liked the people and the mission of the organization I felt unhappy. I don;t know if it was dread about my health or lack of autonomy in my daily schedule, but I wanted out. This is frustrating because I pride myself on a strong work ethic, my intelligence, and ability to grasp things quickly. I feel like it makes me a good employee, but I suffer from this sense of entitlement, too. A sad reality of being a millennial - I want a good job that pays well. This would have worked in that direction, I have no doubt. But my impatience gets the better of me. I've worked for so many years now, at jobs I half-liked to clock in the hours and get the experience I can put on my resume. I'm done taking on jobs for the sake of just working. I want to come to work excited. I want to be challenged. Again, this job could have done that, but something inside me was fearful it wouldn't. The sickness and longing to sleep in combined with this frustration led me to say "No" and here I am at home, pondering what I should do with all my free time till June, God willing.
Back to the baby. I try not to make plans. I try not to think too much about what it will be like after June, but am praying with all my might that it's good. I didn't bring home the used newborn clothes Naiema has at her house. I did put his ultrasound on my fridge and kissed it at least once a day. It did feel like I was giving my baby a kiss every day, which felt really nice. I take my prenatal vitamins every day, but am not good about the iron pills. I want to take 3 a day but they make me so constipated, ugh. Worst feeling. I avoid chai and coffee, which I miss a lot, but am happy to give up. I could be better about my sugar intake. I had a chocolate craving last week and had the most delectable mousse cake from a great bakery in downtown San Jose called Choco-too. Excellent! Almost European in its delectable-ness, haha.
Oh, and my baby's one-year anniversary is this month. It's not too sad. I miss him a lot, but I don't feel sad thinking that it's been a year. I'm proud of how far I've come, of who I am as a person and woman today. I love that my story has resonated with so many people and helped others who've deal with similar losses, as well. I've made many, many amazing new friends and grown closer to existing ones, as well. I just posted on Facebook how he would be one this month, and all the likes are actually making me sad! I could use a mint mojito for this, but Amar scared me saying it still has caffiene in it. Ugh. Alhamdulillah that I gave it up for such an awesome reason. Always look to the bright side.
Right, 18 weeks to go. Bismillah. God is on my side. He has my back. I'm good. Alhamdulillah.
Back to the baby. I try not to make plans. I try not to think too much about what it will be like after June, but am praying with all my might that it's good. I didn't bring home the used newborn clothes Naiema has at her house. I did put his ultrasound on my fridge and kissed it at least once a day. It did feel like I was giving my baby a kiss every day, which felt really nice. I take my prenatal vitamins every day, but am not good about the iron pills. I want to take 3 a day but they make me so constipated, ugh. Worst feeling. I avoid chai and coffee, which I miss a lot, but am happy to give up. I could be better about my sugar intake. I had a chocolate craving last week and had the most delectable mousse cake from a great bakery in downtown San Jose called Choco-too. Excellent! Almost European in its delectable-ness, haha.
Oh, and my baby's one-year anniversary is this month. It's not too sad. I miss him a lot, but I don't feel sad thinking that it's been a year. I'm proud of how far I've come, of who I am as a person and woman today. I love that my story has resonated with so many people and helped others who've deal with similar losses, as well. I've made many, many amazing new friends and grown closer to existing ones, as well. I just posted on Facebook how he would be one this month, and all the likes are actually making me sad! I could use a mint mojito for this, but Amar scared me saying it still has caffiene in it. Ugh. Alhamdulillah that I gave it up for such an awesome reason. Always look to the bright side.
Right, 18 weeks to go. Bismillah. God is on my side. He has my back. I'm good. Alhamdulillah.
