Monday, June 25, 2018

https://www.vox.com/2018/5/8/17308744/bullshit-jobs-book-david-graeber-occupy-wall-street-karl-marx

I really, really enjoyed this article. If I go through my resume, there are a great many jobs that I'd put in the BS jobs category. The last line, the advice, doesn't help. I have yet to really understand what it means to freely chase what you love, feel liberated, but bear no financial stress, because if you're doing what you love, the money soon follows, right? I am trying to do what I love -- coding, learning, writing, creative expression -- but the money has not quiet made itself apparent yet. I feel like I'm getting there; Course Hero gave me that chance, and Haute Hijab provided the platform without the constant paycheck. It was always supposed to be a side gig. It's been 2 years since I left my full time job that would have given automatic raises every year. But the dissatisfaction from the BS work, the lack of sunlight, the growling demeanor of a colleague who had more power over me than both of my bosses because she held the keys to a VIP software that no one understood but used daily, made me realize that no amount of money was worth the negative increase it was having on my happiness. So I quit and never looked back. Never once wanted to go back. I feel surprised because I struggle so much financially now. I am grateful to have food and a roof over my head, but I live on a tight budget. Especially with a little one now. I deserpately want a job I love, but it's such an enigmatic concept. I wonder if the work itself is only half of it. The other half a culture, a good boss, room to grow and create and lead. How on earth am I to find it? Exploring seems like the answer. Being open and talking to as many people as possible. Putting myself out there. Going to things. Learning new things. Actually the book I have is supposed to help me with this, but I'm too busy Facebooking to really do it. I can't for the life of me get organized. That's another enigma. How does one really get organized? I want to find out from someone who was just like me and then BECAME organized. Actually someone who just BECAME better, overall. There are some podcasts -- I just went on iTunes and subscribed to a bunch -- I'll let you know which ones I like. The one I am listening to now is talking about nannies and it already feels out of reach. but I;ll give it a shot. ok bye!!! rushed because i am a mom and need to get shit done.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Rejection hurts so much

So now, this has become the private blog while my wordpress becomes the de-facto portofolio to potential employers... Hurrah!

I think today is the best time to write because all external factors point otherwise- my body aches a shit ton from a crazy HIIT workout at the gym yesterday (we bent our legs, and then held out 3 lb weights rotating them one way, then the opposite direction, then up and down. For some reason, it really really hurt!!). In addition, my one-year-old son (today's his birthday!) doesn't really want to nap, and I have this nagging coding project that was due last week that I'm struggling SO HARD to complete! I just don't feel particularly relaxed right now.

Secondly, I have to make a conscious effort not to feel like complete unemployed shit. I'm actively applying to more and more writing-focused jobs, but nothing has panned out yet. I have two freelance gigs that I'm doing on the side, but two weeks ago a really major company wanted to talk to me, and I felt like the interview went well. Then I sent my samples, and-- radio silence. It really did a number to my self-esteem. I'm trying to be as positive as possible and continue applying and working (see I'm writing now, that's good! I'm not succumbing to the funk!), but it's a little hard. I really, really want a good-paying, cushy, fun job NOW. I want to work at one of those elite companies so I can feel really secure and smart. I KNOW I'm smart, but I'm constantly humbled because I feel like I'm never quite smart or accomplished enough. After grad school, I signed onto the first place that made me an offer and I really hated working there. Hated everything- the work, my managers, the commute. I left it even though the pay was good! I wanted something more, something I felt happy about. I'm chasing career happiness and I wonder if it's a listless chase. Like, when am I gonna get my break? Will it ever happen? Logic is telling me to push through, don't give up... so many people tell me I'm a talented writer, but the struggle is so freaking real. And it's not funny.